woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
