His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
