sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
