I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize