I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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