I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
