just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
