Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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