Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
