ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
