So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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