Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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