I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
