I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
