Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
