My liver just broke up with me...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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