I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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