Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
