Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
