im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
