my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
