she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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