You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
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You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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