What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
