Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
