What a fucking waste of an outfit
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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