i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
