Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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