i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
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I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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