I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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