I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
