So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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