my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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