the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
