Old men and throwing up are my life now.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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