So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
