New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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