great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
my poor anus
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
