her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
