I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
