I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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