ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
