if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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