I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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