I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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