He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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