its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
