Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
