life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
