I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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