I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
its liver damage thursday
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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