Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
