it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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