My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
