I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
