You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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