God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
it's great music for shaving your balls
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
