I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
