I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
