So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
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since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
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Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize