Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
