Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
